Well I haven't been around in a while, but I'm sort of remembering why I'm here.
I was conceived by two inebriated college graduates at a frat party.
Since then, I've had to put up with a very painful childhood. I had to be careful, because my dad was dangerous, to the kids and to himself. I was so afraid of him that I wouldn't be able to speak, and I did whatever I was told. I chose not to drink, because when I was in first or second grade, I saw alcohol as the reason for my dad's pathetic looking face, the saddest face I've ever seen. I saw alcohol as the reason there was fighting that kept our hearts racing in the bunk beds in the middle of the night, as screaming and throwing of chairs and tables happened in the other room.
I lived in a war zone, and I took it upon myself to protect my younger brothers, and to shield them from the evils of the world. My vow to not become this, to not let it perpetuate in my family to come... Was more serious than a wedding vow, and took place the moment I knew what was going on.
The deeply rooted intense fear that I suffered from an abusive father, who terrorized and mentally tortured my mother in return, is what lead me to say that I will never be with anyone who would drink--- Drink, and you betray me.
I never regretted this vow, because it was as integral a part of my identity as my brain or my spinal cord. But at the time, I had barely a glimmer of how lonely and desolate the world could be, when cut off from a mainstay of the coming-of-age culture. In a way, I never grew up, in my culture, I was a silly child, even treated so with age.
Boyfriends came, and boyfriends went, as my beliefs about alcohol broke us apart. I felt that to drink behind my back was a betrayal, and that those who did it consecrated a vow never to be with me again.
I have never found anyone who shares my beliefs, who I can truly trust with my life and future, because I don't want what happened to my mom to happen to me.
I became so unhappy, because I felt so alone, and I felt like dying in my despair under my parents and the weight of an entire alcohol-consuming society.
Instead, I used marijuana, as a subsitute, to make my way into adulthood, to a place where I could choose for myself. The freedom to be my own person opened up an entirely different world to me.
Life itself became fuller and richer in meaning. But alas, again alcohol broke off my relationship, and I was left by myself. It was then that I decided to search for someone more mature, who felt the same way about these things, or at least would honor my wishes.
I made it perfectly clear what I wanted...
But now I am getting signals that the love isn't as strong, and that it is fading. I am not so sure why the bonds aren't there like they used to be. The promises are dwindling, and so are the dreams. Are we falling out of love? Are we becoming two separate people, now that the getting to know you stage has passed?
When was the last time he did something for me? When was the last time he made some kind of change? Here I am, running on a strict schedule, trying to inspire him to do something, anything, to impress me. But it's not working.
But all I get are reminders that we are two very different people, and that he isn't about to make more committments to me.
I don't know what it is, the fact that we don't see each other as much since he moved? Maybe it's just my worn-out-from-running mood.
It's no secret what I want him to do... I just can't do it for him. And I'm not really reaching my full inspired potential either. I am lonely, comparable to how I used to be without him. I really miss my friends. How did we stop seeing each other? Was it with Kate? Is that what the problem was?
School is winding down for me, and I have to make some serious decisions about how I want to live my life. I'm just not feeling it. I feel like I'm inspiring myself, and not being inspired. I am lonely at a time in which it is critical to have people to bounce ideas off of.
I am not fading away, at this point, I am just beginning to live, and I don't want to waste that on somebody who just isn't trying.
I guess that I need to focus on something positive at this point. It's really the best way to win followers to your side... To live life like a burning man.