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Checking In Again January 1, 2013!

January 1st, 2013 (06:06 pm)

My boyfriend and I broke up, my dog died, I'm almost done with my Master's. I'm still straight edge. I'm dating people like crazy and they all don't drink. There's more to it, but I need to get on my way to see a movie.

I'm so glad my journal's still here. Hope all's well with you guys.

February 2012 Update

February 3rd, 2012 (09:44 am)

-I am now in grad school, getting a Master's.
-Still edge.
-Still with my boyfriend.
-Still training for that marathon... Went to the gym 4 times this week.
-Not hanging out with quite the same people, but close.
-I am friends with a bartender, of all things. He is just now realizing that there are other things in life than drinking, so he actually will go out bowling and concentrate on the bowling instead of the beer, and go out to eat and not have to get alcohol. He's gay.
-I am friends with one of the two main friends I had last year. She just started college, and I feel like I am a good influence.
-I worked all summer long, which was a bummer. I will try not to do that this year. Now I have some money saved up.
-I went to France, which was extremely difficult with being edge, because people were encouraging you to drink, getting drunk, putting alcohol in my food, and I took a tour of a winery. I was a good sport and braved it out, but to be honest, I was really lonely. I did find out that college kids in France don't drink, they just dance and hook up. Awesome.
-I went to Baltimore for a trade show, which was pretty awesome.
-My GPA is really great. I have one B+.
-My diet is pretty good. I've backed off on the raw a little bit as compared to my last post. Instead, I am trying to use up all of the food that I have before buying more. It's been an interesting experience, seeing as though I'm down to stuff like vegan jello powder and nori. Good thing my dog likes to eat nori.

How are you???

Don't like to forget who I was, checking in in Jan 2011

January 9th, 2011 (03:29 am)

Hey... I don't know if anyone's gonna come back to this journal any time here, but I wanted to let you all know I'm still edge, and still with the boyfriend I got coming out of this journal...
I think that this was a really cool time in my life, and this time in my life is cool too. I am a cool person, if you ask me. I'm doing a lot of stuff that means a lot to me, and trying to help improve the world. I am more clear on what I want to do with my life, though right now I'm not exactly sure what's up.
I'm working on being a happy person in a world that doesn't make that easy. I want to not be dulled, to be able to feel various levels of emotions at the same time.
I am also raw-fooding three days out of the week, which is pretty cool. I've gotten out of the sewing habit, and gotten into grad school, and I'm going on vacation in NYC with my boyfriend in a week. It's been what now... 4 years since I claimed edge, basically.
I also gained a really solid and loving friend group through work, which has been really awesome. I also got completely out of the women's liberation/worrying about being molested. I am so fucking over it right now! Watching my mom go through surgery really set my priorities straight in terms of whether or not to even care about that at all anymore.
I'm making shit pay still, but I do like what I do and I'm making an impact on the world in a positive way by having my jobs. I just need to not think about it, and that's when awesome things happen.
Mostly, I'm just trying to be happy, to smile more and to figure out how to be happy.

Peace, love, and edge to all. xoxox

(no subject)

August 4th, 2009 (07:38 pm)

The best way to win people to your side is to stay as positive as possible. To be focused, and to live life as if you're a burning man... As if you are on fire. To feel the energy and the light around you, and to do what your conscience is telling you. This is my opportunity now to truly live, to make a real difference in the world. This is my opportunity to make developments in science and technology, and to become the person I've always wanted to be. This is my time to be beautiful on the inside and the outside. And this is my time to enjoy my friends.

(no subject)

August 4th, 2009 (07:10 pm)

Well I haven't been around in a while, but I'm sort of remembering why I'm here.
I was conceived by two inebriated college graduates at a frat party.
Since then, I've had to put up with a very painful childhood. I had to be careful, because my dad was dangerous, to the kids and to himself. I was so afraid of him that I wouldn't be able to speak, and I did whatever I was told. I chose not to drink, because when I was in first or second grade, I saw alcohol as the reason for my dad's pathetic looking face, the saddest face I've ever seen. I saw alcohol as the reason there was fighting that kept our hearts racing in the bunk beds in the middle of the night, as screaming and throwing of chairs and tables happened in the other room.
I lived in a war zone, and I took it upon myself to protect my younger brothers, and to shield them from the evils of the world. My vow to not become this, to not let it perpetuate in my family to come... Was more serious than a wedding vow, and took place the moment I knew what was going on.
The deeply rooted intense fear that I suffered from an abusive father, who terrorized and mentally tortured my mother in return, is what lead me to say that I will never be with anyone who would drink--- Drink, and you betray me.
I never regretted this vow, because it was as integral a part of my identity as my brain or my spinal cord. But at the time, I had barely a glimmer of how lonely and desolate the world could be, when cut off from a mainstay of the coming-of-age culture. In a way, I never grew up, in my culture, I was a silly child, even treated so with age.
Boyfriends came, and boyfriends went, as my beliefs about alcohol broke us apart. I felt that to drink behind my back was a betrayal, and that those who did it consecrated a vow never to be with me again.
I have never found anyone who shares my beliefs, who I can truly trust with my life and future, because I don't want what happened to my mom to happen to me.
I became so unhappy, because I felt so alone, and I felt like dying in my despair under my parents and the weight of an entire alcohol-consuming society.
Instead, I used marijuana, as a subsitute, to make my way into adulthood, to a place where I could choose for myself. The freedom to be my own person opened up an entirely different world to me.
Life itself became fuller and richer in meaning. But alas, again alcohol broke off my relationship, and I was left by myself. It was then that I decided to search for someone more mature, who felt the same way about these things, or at least would honor my wishes.
I made it perfectly clear what I wanted...
But now I am getting signals that the love isn't as strong, and that it is fading. I am not so sure why the bonds aren't there like they used to be. The promises are dwindling, and so are the dreams. Are we falling out of love? Are we becoming two separate people, now that the getting to know you stage has passed? 
When was the last time he did something for me? When was the last time he made some kind of change? Here I am, running on a strict schedule, trying to inspire him to do something, anything, to impress me. But it's not working.
But all I get are reminders that we are two very different people, and that he isn't about to make more committments to me.
I don't know what it is, the fact that we don't see each other as much since he moved? Maybe it's just my worn-out-from-running mood.
It's no secret what I want him to do... I just can't do it for him. And I'm not really reaching my full inspired potential either. I am lonely, comparable to how I used to be without him. I really miss my friends. How did we stop seeing each other? Was it with Kate? Is that what the problem was?
School is winding down for me, and I have to make some serious decisions about how I want to live my life. I'm just not feeling it. I feel like I'm inspiring myself, and not being inspired. I am lonely at a time in which it is critical to have people to bounce ideas off of.
I am not fading away, at this point, I am just beginning to live, and I don't want to waste that on somebody who just isn't trying.
I guess that I need to focus on something positive at this point. It's really the best way to win followers to your side... To live life like a burning man.

What's the Next Big Thing?

May 3rd, 2009 (11:09 pm)

There's got to be more to life than this.
I'm so bored with my life and I'm searching for something to satisfy me.
I want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life.
I want to walk on the wild side.
I have made up my mind on so many things, and I'm looking for what's next.
What is the next big thing?
What will validate my life?
What will make me happy?
Most of the time, I don't have the time to decide.
So now what?
I imagine so much, but it just means nothing in the end.
The right, the good, the pure, the exciting, the desire, ah, all nothing.
I'm searching for something higher, deeper, and vaster than I was looking for before.

I just don't want it to be Santa Claus.

(no subject)

April 27th, 2009 (03:50 pm)

I want to find me a New Love. A love that is pure and true. I want to find me a new love. Don't you? I want to find me a good love,
Something that I can do. How can I live my life? I want to find a new love.

(no subject)

April 24th, 2009 (02:30 pm)

And by I don't care anymore, I mean that I don't care about my grades, but I do care about the food co-op and the ecofriendly printing company, healthy food, and the equality of the sexes movement, and I care about the women at the take back the night march against sexual assault and abuse, giving my group a good reputation on campus, and I care about my friends a great deal.

At this point right now today...

April 22nd, 2009 (08:15 am)

I just don't care anymore. I don't give a crap. Or a rat's ass. I am just super depressed and I didn't get it treated in time. I am very unhappy. And I'm sorry.

(no subject)

April 7th, 2009 (06:53 pm)

I just got done with two HUGE tests... And now I have nothing urgent to do. So I'm just laying in bed recovering from a shower... An educational shower. Yes, I listen to YouTube shows while taking a bath. Yes, I take baths instead of showers. I know that taking a shower conserves water, and I know that some people say that bathing is like washing yourself in your own filth...

However, I prefer baths. My theory is that I have low blood pressure, and so showering makes me feel dizzy, woozy, sick, and tired. Bathing makes me feel tired too, but none of the effects are nearly so bothersome as when taking a shower.

I am so proud of myself with these few exams... I have passed... But not merely passed. Nay, I flew with flying colors, as they say. Very proud.

Well, it's time to get ready to go out for dinner, and I must find something expressive to wear.

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